It took me a few days to come to terms with the sad news of last week. Two successful people I was inspired by, who created a shift of perspectives in lots of us, decided to end their lives.

Whether it was sudden or not, that’s for their closed ones to know, and quite irrelevant for the rest of us. I personally doubt it was, but that’s just my personal opinion.

There are a few of reasons why I was quite affected by the news of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain committed suicide:

Negative Emotions In My Moments Of Hardship

• Fear – in times of hardship the greatest fear I experienced was the fear of how to move on, of how to turn things around, of whether I can turn things around. It’s a paralysing fear that shook me to the very core of who I was and the beliefs in my abilities.
• Shame – there were times when I felt brought down to my knees, when I felt so much shame that I couldn’t even walk out the house, when I couldn’t face my children, when I couldn’t even see myself in the mirror. I wasn’t very kind to myself in those moments and that attitude only deepened and intensified the feeling of shame.
• Guilt – How could I have been so stupid? How could I have been so blind? How could I have been such a coward? I felt caught in a whirlpool of self-blame and guilt that kept me focused on the past, on what went wrong and on how stupid I was.

The Intensity Of Negative Emotions

• Fear – this morning a friend of mine told me about a message on a T-shirt reading “The world is a beautiful place and I’m no longer afraid to die” that he found scary. It’s a beautiful and powerful moment when you come to realise that fear is not real, that it’s our mind’s fabrication, ego’s way of keeping us captive. Remove and release the attachment to fear to allow the true beauty of life reveal itself.
• Shame – we all make choices that end up causing unhappiness, whether to us or others is irrelevant. The feeling of unworthiness is very triggered at that point and we’re feeling shameful we weren’t better, that we didn’t know better. Most times is not the outcome that makes us feel shame, but rather because the outcome didn’t match our expectations. The fact that we failed to create the exact outcome we decided was the best one.
• Guilt – guilt is triggered after the fact when, with hindsight, we realise that we could’ve done things in a different manner. Whether is related to work or personal interactions, it comes down to us failing to be smarter, to react more appropriately or to keep promises made to ourselves and/or others.

The Impact On The Others

• Fear – when hearing bad news about others there are various facets of fear that are triggered within: How could this happen? Could this happen to me? What if it happens to me? It’s a mix of fear of the unknown, of losing control, of pain and so on and so forth. This could lead to feeling exposed, weak and vulnerable, which could lead to feelings of anxiousness and depression.
• Shame – in moments like these, shame can take different forms and, if it does, it’s actually a good thing because it can be used to generate good and spark transformation: the shame that we were too caught up in ourselves, in our lives and stopped paying attention to those around us, could spark the desire to be more aware, which in turn has the power to highlight the blind spots that hold us back
• Guilt – minimising the importance and relevance of issues others have and share with us alongside the choice to shut them down rather than encourage them to speak more about it, is quite impactful after the fact. It is a defence mechanism at the time, but that doesn’t make it any easier when facing the consequences.

As a result of my introspection this weekend in the light of these sad events, I’d like to share with you my learnings from my own personal experiences and how I overcame them.

• Fear – My relevance on this earth – Luckily, I found a purpose in teaching my children that regardless of how hard it gets, there’s always a way out.
• Shame – Accepting I’m accountable for the situation I’m in and learning to forgive myself for it – probably the most important lesson of them all, as I understood that by focusing on what needs changing and accepting that I did the best I could with the information and the level of awareness I had at the time, released me from the grips of victimisation.
• Guilt – Overcoming shame and guilt to find the strength to ask for help from my family and friends – It was very powerful to receive their help and support without feeling judged, even when we were having conversations about learning from the choices that led to the current situation.

Probably the most important lesson that transformed me and how I approach life now, was learning to slow down to reflect – being Latin and a Leo, slowing down did not come naturally to me, but once I was abruptly stopped in my rush, I understood the importance of taking the time to reflect and pay attention to situations from more than one perspective. It taught me to pay attention to my feelings and how to best proceed.

Reaching out in times of sorrow and turmoil is the key to overcoming any and all hurdles. There’s no bravery in facing issues alone. Fear of judgement is just a fabrication of our mind as, at the end of the day, even if we are being judged, it’s not the end of the world.

Judgements are the other person’s issues, really, not our own. It’s not an easy journey, but one of the greatest achievements is to accept and allow others their journey whilst we carry on ours.

I would like to end this article with a recommendation, if I may, and that is to encourage you to learn how to prevent such events from happening and to better navigate them if they do happen. The answer is simpler than you might think: mindfulness. Practising mindfulness until it becomes a way of being, helps us become more aware of the limiting beliefs that not only hold us back, but also feed our negative thoughts about ourselves, which could lead to depression, which could trigger thoughts of committing suicide, when life gets too much too handle…

If you’d like to learn more about mindfulness, there are a few articles in our magazine that I believe you will find helpful and a good starting point in your journey.

SparkYourBloom Today and Everyday!