A Story About The Epic Fail In My First Meditation Class
I remember my first meditation class with a bitter sweet taste in my mouth. It happened 12 years ago and it led me nowhere other but into a deeper state of anxiety than I was already experiencing.
Back then I had a pretty big appetite for self-destruction manifesting in all sorts of unhealthy relationships, carefully nurtured to confirm my hidden belief of my uselessness on this planet. I was living these endless existential dramas that no one, neither friends nor professionals, could have helped me with.
Until one day, when right from the bottom of my desperation, I turned myself to meditation, with yet another strong belief that my broken soul will be saved in no time. What a disappointingly wrong assumption that was!
A Guided Meditation Class
My first experience was a guided group meditation class. The teacher told us to breathe deeply and let ourselves go with the flow to a beautiful place. I went straight forward to my all-time favourite spot, a tropical deserted beach, where I instantly fell asleep for the rest of the meditation class. A gentle bell sound woke me up a few minutes later.
My legs were in big pain, same was my heart. No change in my emotional state, no step forward in my challenge with rising myself from the garden of sorrow to a next level of consciousness. No spark, no light, no happiness, no nothing.
So… have I just failed again? Yes, I have. The judgement came automatically from nowhere harshly to label my fresh new experience.
Lessons of Love and Patience
I cannot remember anything else about that meditation class except this frightful feeling of being a failure. I was finally given the ultimate proof of my worthlessness. Actually, the proof my mind was looking for, or rather subconsciously creating. It was so painful that I decided to move on to some other practice, supposedly powerful enough to fight my very special drama.
It took me years to understand what happened in my first meditation class. Why have I felt so disappointed, how come I missed the actual meaning of meditation back then? The answers came to me during my spiritual journey through awareness exercises – some of them close enough to meditation to give me the clue I needed.
It was all about judgement and assumption. I was expecting my very first meditation class to erase both my sadness and my problems in a blink of an eye.
That the practice itself would do the job for me. And when it didn’t, I came to this conclusion that I don’t even deserve it.
After all, I had to learn the lessons of patience and acceptance before sitting crossed legs, free of biases and without judging myself more than 5 minutes. It was not easy but it was definitely worth it.
Spark Your Bloom Today and Everyday!